Zen and the Art of Self-Care
As the world navigates a deadly pandemic, we are not only fighting visible risk to lives and economic stress, we are also fighting invisible mental strain. The economic downturn, loss of jobs and livelihoods, fear of contagion from the Corona Virus, collective grief, an extended period of physical distancing and the associated social isolation will present immense mental health challenges. As Coaches, it is our collective responsibility to provide support and strength to the community. We will be called in as more people reach out to us during and after this pandemic. Well, I do say, after, but that seems to be way over the horizon and not visible to us at this moment. This is a time, while being very much a part of this collective anxiety, we will be expected to present our best and most evolved selves. How, in this situation, do we make selfcare a priority?
I quote a metaphor ‘strong back, soft front” from the Tibetan teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche. This is the relationship between compassion (soft front) and equanimity (strong back), that can help us develop both the qualities of tenderness and resilience as coaches. In our ordinary lives, the inverse of this idea is the normal – “strong front, soft back”, where the strong front is our defence against the world and a soft back is our fears. It will serve us well as caregivers, to get this straightened out, to strengthen and nourish the idea of ‘strong back, soft front”. Hence, it is important that we as coaches must possess empathy, genuine concern and compassion in the face of suffering without getting swept away in the waves of pain, confusion and grief.
One of the basic tents of Zen is about being intimate with what is. This is of critical importance as we enter into helping relationships with people, by offering them authentic presence and keeping our hearts open. This can be achieved through a regular practice of mindfulness, which should not be confused with meditation. Mindfulness, unlike meditation, is not a process of suspending the process of life to achieve a state of deep reverie, in which the mind does not focus on anything particular. Mindfulness is, in fact, the direct experience of the here and now. Its not tuning out, its tuning in – its an act of being present, focused, attentive and ready for action. In this state, we are aware of our outer situation and our inner experience of it. It helps us connect deeply with the external situation (the client), and deal with the shared pain consciously and effectively. This helps us drop attachment to outcome, and our ability to hold the client’s pain without being overwhelmed. Our responses emerge from deep wisdom, rather than from any superficial attempts at grasping for certainty. This is one of the aspects of cultivating a ‘strong back”.
We often say that we must ‘accept’ our clients the way they are. When we bring radical acceptance into our relationship with our clients, they are able to move through a space of healing with the knowledge that they are not being judged. However, cultivating radical acceptance of our clients begins from a radical acceptance of ourselves. This quality of ‘maitri’ or loving kindness spoken about by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche is one of steadfastness, developed through meditation. “Maitri’ strengthens us by helping us not get caught in the judgements of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, or ‘for’ and ‘against’ – it helps us accept our human imperfections and a whole gamut of emotions we feel, without putting a label on them. This is the ‘soft front’ that helps us cultivate equanimity for ourselves, our clients and the world.
As we radically accept ourselves and our clients, we remove the pressure from our coach self to spit out brilliant plans and professional pronouncements. In fact, this acceptance facilitates emergence of strategies of implementation and change from a process of discovery. As we accept the innate wisdom of our clients, remaining open to our internal dialogues and ego demands, we are less likely to be reactive. As coaches, we need to attend to our thoughts with compassionate awareness.
If, despite the mindfulness and the meditation and all the various strategies of self-care employed, we do find ourselves depleted, we must generously honour ourselves without blaming or shaming our pain. This may be our cue to take a break, retreat into our world to administer self-care, set clear boundaries from our clients to heal our mind and heart. Once rejuvenated with a fresh pact with ourselves on how we will maintain open-heartedness and mental health, we can re-enter the world of our clients. This amount of time can be as tiny as 5 minutes quiet breathing and meditation near our window, an evening, or a weekend of quiet contemplation – the duration of the break does not matter as much as its quality. Connecting with joy, calmness and the bigger spiritual picture is the medicine to maintain our spacious heart, our ‘strong back, soft front’, in the service of the universe.
Like the Poet Donna Faulds, said, “It only takes a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still, and just like that, something in me settles, softens, makes space for imperfection. The harsh voice of judgment drops to a whisper and I remember again that life isn’t a relay race; that we will all cross the finish line; that waking up to life is what we were born for. As many times as I forget, catch myself charging forward without even knowing where I’m going, that many times I can make the choice to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk slowly into the mystery”.